In her bestselling book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, author and nurse Bronnie Ware reported that one of the most common regrets people have at the end of their lives is that they wish they’d let themselves be happier. Her findings highlighted that people believed their happiness was in their control, yet they denied giving it to themselves. Oof.

I am the first to admit that I enjoy the dark stuff, the shadow work, rummaging around in the hurts and wounds and finding the light in the darkness. I love this for myself and I looooove doing this type of work with my clients. But as my propensity for this type of work became more clear to me, I have had to really consciously be aware to not build a house there. It feels clear why choosing happiness doesn’t come naturally for me. But I also know there are a ton of reasons I, and many other highly-sensitive, deep-feeling, salt-of-the-earth, incredible women also deny themselves this birthright. In this blog post, let’s delve into some of the underlying reasons behind this fear of happiness and hopefully gain some valuable insights for how you, too, can break free from this wildly unnecessary pattern.

The Conditioning Effect:

From a ridiculously young age, we were bombarded with societal messages that placed our happiness and self-worth in the hands of external expectations. I grew up on magazines like YM (young & modern), Seventeen and CosmoGirl. I, like most girls my age, became obsessed with trying to be someone other that who I was in order to get the guy, fit in and be accepted. Just look at the headlines on this cover of YM - gross. I don’t know about you, but there wasn’t a whole lotta joy in the endeavour of non-self acceptance! We moved so far away from our authenticity because we were force-fed a narrative that who we were was just not enough. We were programmed to believe that happiness comes at a cost.  The key to breaking free? Eliminating these distorted ingrained beliefs and consciously choosing new ones to take their place. Often easier said than done, it takes commitment to change our belief patterns, but it is most definitely time well spent.

1 Step You Can Take Towards Healing:

Engage in self-reflection through journaling before bed. Reflect on your day and notice where these programmed societal norms showed up in how you felt about your day and then write a new story. Tell yourself a new story that is empowering, remembering that your happiness matters, and you have the power to redefine what it means to you.

Fear of Judgment:

Women like us who are inherently empathetic and nurturing, often fear the judgment of  others, mainly because we can feel it, whether we are aware that’s what we are feeling or not, it’s there and it doesn’t feel good. The pressure to conform to other’s expectations of us or the fear of being seen as selfish, too much, too passive, too too too, pick your poison here, can lead to a deep subconscious hesitation when it comes to feeling safe enough to embrace happiness. The underlying belief we have internalized here is that we can allow ourselves to feel happy once we have met everyone’s expectations of us, which, hello, will never happen. It’s important here to remember that 1. your happiness doesn't diminish anyone else's, 2. it’s your birthright to live a joy-filled life, and 3. your to-do list can be full of crappy things you have to do and yet you do not have to wait until the conditions are perfect, you can still choose happiness anyway.

1 Step You Can Take Towards Healing:

Embrace self-compassion and self-acceptance. Prioritize your own happiness without guilt or concern for others' judgments. Schedule it. Practice it. And surround yourself with a supportive community that celebrates you as you are, your growth and joy. As feelings of guilt or shame or fear arise in your endeavour to access more happiness, notice them, accept them, feel them, forgive yourself for them, then let them go. This is one place where EFT Tapping is highly effective as a go-to modality for healing!

Limiting Beliefs and Self-Worth:

Deep-rooted limiting beliefs about self-worth painfully hinders women from experiencing genuine happiness. Past traumas, negative experiences, even shame or self-doubt can create subconscious barriers that prevent us from fully accepting that we, too, are deserving of happiness simply because we were born. Perhaps you are frustrated that you can’t seem to ditch the glass of wine with dinner, or the ice cream or potato chips after you’ve gotten the kids to bed, or the easy one click amazon purchases that provide a jolt of excitement before petering off back to self-loathing. These types of ‘reward’ habits tend to point to deep-seated feelings of low self-worth that we are trying to overcome with a feel-good hit of dopamine because we just need it, god-dammit! But in essence, we are left feeling more empty than before. Recognizing and addressing our limiting beliefs and improving our sense of self-worth are essential for helping us more easily unlock the doors to joy.

1 Step You Can Take Towards Healing:

Embrace practices like EFT tapping, where you can explore and let go of limiting beliefs, traumas, and negative emotions that are blocking your access to genuine happiness. Trauma work should never be done alone. , so be sure to seek the guidance of a certified trauma-informed EFT Practitioner, like me, to support you in navigating this transformative journey.

Fear of Vulnerability:

We are condemned if we’re too tough, receive the eyerolls from others if we’re too soft, and yet, we are conditioned to be the caretakers, the child-rearers, the fort-holder-downers and pillars of strength for others big feelings and needs, which means, it feels like there is no real safe place for our own genuine vulnerability. And yet, allowing ourselves to be happy means we must learn to embrace vulnerability, otherwise we are still only letting certain cherry-picked parts of ourselves to be seen and accepted which just doesn’t work.  By cultivating safety in the body first around vulnerability, you can begin to play with letting your guard down, which will allow you to begin accessing feelings of joy and happiness that perhaps you never allowed yourself to feel before. You will learn that it is safe to experience joy without fear of disappointment or loss.

1 Step You Can Take Towards Healing:

Practice vulnerability in small doses. Celebrating yourself often feels vulnerable, but can be the easiest place to begin when playing with vulnerability (no need to open any dark closets!) You can start with sharing something you love about yourself and/or something you are proud of with someone you trust. Gradually expanding your vulnerability comfort zone, celebrating each step towards opening yourself up to happiness.

It's a matter of the heart:

Finally, we've spent a lifetime creating protection around our sweet, sensitive hearts. We feel things so deeply, we are often the ones who bear the weight of the big emotions and struggles of others, oftentimes without having anyone who understands how to support us in return. When you are the empath, people feel that safe space and load their stuff on us. We learn to develop walls around our hearts and, over time, spend too much time in our heads, fretting about the same things as others - money, keeping up with the Jones', body image, relationships - now disconnected from our hearts. Without spending time connecting freely with our hearts, accessing genuine happiness is going to be tough.

1 Step You Can Take Towards Healing:

Spending time consciously connecting with your heart will begin tearing down the walls that have been built up. It will also intuitively teach you how to set better boundaries with other people's energy, protecting your heart and your energy. Try this simple practice: 

• Place a hand over your heart and begin long, slow deep breathing.
• Know, see or sense your heart as the actual organ that it is. Can you see it in your mind's eye? Can you imagine what your unique heart looks like? Begin considering the miracle that is your beating heart, that, with no conscious effort on your part, pumps blood through your body, gives you life and connects you to the miracle that is this life. 
• Now, sense a spark of light in the center of your heart. Allow all of your awareness to focus on this glowing light in your heart and, with each breath, fan the flame of that light so that it becomes bigger and bigger. 
• Spread the light of your heart, your Soul's Essence, through your whole body and simply notice how that feels. Bathe in the light of your beautiful heart. 
• Do this as often as you can. A few minutes is all you need.

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